15 Things I Learned from Working with the Homeless

I originally wrote this just for kicks, and never did anything with it. I’m posting it here. Warning: it’s long

The following… thing… is not an official document of any kind. It’s not based on scientific observation or experimentation. It had not been endorsed by and does not reflect the views of any person or party other than myself. Any assertions made here should be considered conjecture as they have not been tested or observed in a controlled, scientific manner. This is simply an attempt to jot down some thoughts about things I’ve learned and noticed while working with the homeless as a social worker. I apologize in advance if, in my musings, I over-generalize when discussing circumstances and people. There are always exceptions to the rule. I also apologize in advance for run on sentences and overuse of commas. Some of the stories and examples contained within are based on real life events, and as such, the names of the people they describe have been changed or omitted. Thanks for reading!

 

1. You can’t assume you’re working with a “normal” person.

Normal may be a bad word. Perhaps “non-homeless” is better. Non-homeless people have personality characteristics and resources that allow them to adapt to various life stressors and no navigate social systems. They may be flexible and willing to adapt to new and challenging situations. They generally have an internal locus of control: the disposition that good or bad things happen to them as a result of their own action or inaction. They may have family and friends who support them and can assist them in times of crisis. They may have job skills, work experience, and education that make them marketable to employers.  If they lose their job or if they just want a better one, it’s not terribly difficult for them to do so. They often have cars, health insurance and paid leave. They may have good eating habits and good hygiene. Not all non-homeless people have all of these traits, but most have at least some. Usually, they have enough of these traits to get by so that they never have to be homeless.

Homeless people tend to be different. They tend to have an external locus of control: the disposition that good or bad things happen to them regardless of their own action or inaction. They tend to have a difficult time navigating social systems like bureaucracies. They tend to have a hard time delaying gratification, opting for small short term gains rather than waiting for a later, larger benefit. Some may have trouble with hygiene and other cleanliness issues. Some have mental health issues or substance abuse issues. Some may have been abused over the course of their life (emotionally, physically, sexually, and neglectfully). Some may not have supportive friends and families with resources to assist in a crisis. Some are forced use public transportation to get around, which drastically increases the time it takes to do to go from one location to another. Some have job skills, but not enough documentable history and credentials to make them marketable for high paying jobs in fields other than construction. Some may be illiterate and, despite being older, still can’t read. Very few have health insurance and some have physical conditions and disabilities that limit their daily functioning.  Some may not have grown up in a nurturing environment learning academic and social lessons that most people learn. Not all homeless people have all of these traits, but most have at least some. Usually they have enough of these traits to make it difficult for them to lift themselves out of homelessness.

A co-worker of mine once said, “There are as many reasons for homelessness as there are homeless people”. What’s important to understand is that, regardless of the specific circumstances that lead someone to be homeless, something is going on in their life that makes it harder for them to get by in the same way that non-homeless people do. We’ll have to find out what that something is before we can help. In the meantime, we can’t assume we’re talking to people who have learned the same things we learned. They might not have had the chance to. We can’t assume that common sense rules apply because we may not have had a common upbringing. Think back to how you learned how to wash dishes, how to talk to someone amicably about a disagreement, how to balance a checkbook, how to cook a meal, or how to share and play nice with others. Who taught you?

Rather than walk in with a set of assumptions that were almost certainly in wrong, there is something different we can do: we can ask. We can ask questions about who they are, what they’ve been through and what their ideas are for getting out of this mess. We can assess their abilities and their roadblocks. And when needed, we can teach the skills that are missing. This is fundamental to working with the homeless. It’s what social workers call “starting where the client is”.

It’s easy to get frustrated when a client isn’t doing what a “normal” person would do. I’ve seen many workers complain “they just don’t get it”, “they’re just not motivated”, or “they just lazy and need to get a job”, throw their hands up, and call it a day. It’s easy to forget that part our jobs in ending homelessness is to teach the things we take for granted as common sense. Blaming victims don’t do as much good as teaching them how not to be victims anymore does.

2. Sometimes, people don’t act their age.

Most of the people I work with are in their 40’s and 50’s but act as though they are in their teen years. The most common response I hear to justify the most childish and immature behavior is, “I’m a grown ass man.” Their actions however say otherwise. It’s not clear if this is an actual phenomenon or if it’s something I just made up. There have been several assertions that alcohol and drug abuse stunts growth. From the admittedly little research I did for this section, it appears that scientists, do not find this to be the case. What some of the text I read did suggested that a combination of poor nutrition, poor emotional nurturing during formative years, inconsistent and alcohol/drug use slow a person’s emotional development. I haven’t read a journal article on it, so though it would be wise to maintain skepticism, it sounds probable.

And yet, there are some life stressors that can prematurely age someone so that they act older than they are. Interestingly, I often don’t get to work with these people. Perhaps the adaptation to being older gives them access to character qualities and skills that help ward off homelessness.

Also, in my limited opinion, what society determines as age appropriate behavior is largely cultural, assuming specific developmental milestones being reached. A different upbringing that doesn’t hit these milestones may lead to many deficiencies. I once saw a 5 year old who was still in diapers because he hadn’t been potty trained yet.

3. Saying “hello” breaks the tension.

When I’m out and about doing homeless outreach, looking people in the face and pleasantly saying “hello” to them really breaks the tension. I still get nervous and fearful I go into rough areas, and there’s probably a healthy and appropriate reason for that. Still, I haven’t met anyone (yet) who was aggressive or overly bothered by me saying hello. Most people seem to appreciate them, or at the very least say “hi” back to me. Sometimes they’ll strike up a conversation or ask for some resources. Either way, it loosens me up and makes me more relaxed to be sociable. I like to think that it actually keeps me safer, but we’ll see.

 There’s much that’s already said about how invisible the homeless are. How you can walk by them and not even notice. I think if I were in that position, I’d want someone to look at me once in a while.

4. Cell phones are not as much of a luxury as you might think

In the years since its invention in the late 1800’s, the telephone has become a fundamental communication tool for modern society. So much of our day to day lives are built around our ability to contact someone over large distances in real time. We use it to call our family and friends. We use it to conduct business. We use them for emergencies. It’s a critical device when looking for work or trying to resolve an issue. Our ability to communicate simplified even further with the invention of the cellular phone. No longer were we tied to a stationary location for our conversations. No more missed calls. We were now reachable by someone, somewhere, 24/7. In the late 90’s until very recently, cell phones were thought of as a luxury. Expensive handsets and per minute usage plans made ownership prohibitive to those of lower economic status. However, as with most technologies, the cost of owning as cell phone has decreased dramatically. Despite lower prices and our near complete dependence on telephones to live modern life, the general public still views a poor or homeless person owning a cell phone as an irresponsible purchase. Or more to the point, that money should be saved or spent wisely than on something as frivolous as a cell phone.

Consider this. How will a homeless person be able to call a job lead to inquire about openings?  How will they hear back from potential employers? How will social service agencies be able to call them for follow up?  It seems counter-intuitive at best to expect someone to go out and look for a job, but criticize that same person for owning a tool everyone else uses to find it.

Prepaid cell phones solve this problem. They’re rather inexpensive so it’s very easy for someone to have a cell phone and a consistent number. The only challenge is coming up with the money to add more minutes. It is true that rather than getting a phone, a homeless person can go to a social service agency for free. However, calls at most agencies that allow phone use are usually limited to 10-15 minutes. How long you were on hold the last time you called a customer service line, much less a government agency? And getting messages from those agencies can be equally difficult. A cell phone is just as much a necessity for the homeless as it is for the non-homeless. Having a cell may make the difference between being accepted into a program or being skipped over on the waiting list.

5.  It’s okay if someone doesn’t want to stay at a shelter. Not all homeless people want to be housed.

This is a hard topic for most new workers to understand. We have a passion for social justice, for getting people off the street and out of the elements and into somewhere that’s nice and safe and warm. We proclaim that it is the right of all people to have a home. We assert that no one wants to be out in the cold and the rain. We make it our personal mission to make sure that everyone who is sleeping on the street gets off the street and in a bed. So naturally, we’re completely and utterly shocked when we inevitably meet someone who would rather sleep in the woods.

Voluntary homelessness, the “some people want to be” type of homelessness, takes on many forms. Most often, it’s a person who would rather sleep in the woods or under a bridge than to stay in a shelter. At first glance, this seems preposterous, ridiculous, and just plain wrong. But if you ask a homeless person why they don’t want to stay at a shelter, their reasons don’t seem that unreasonable.

Without trying to over-generalize too much, I can say that most shelters aren’t the most fun places to stay. Because of the high volume of people served each day, they can difficult to keep clean (read: dirty). With so many people being served, it’s also hard for staff to be accommodating to an individual’s situation and special needs. There are often strict rules as to check-in and check-out times. Many shelters kick everyone out at 5:00-7:00am and don’t allow people back until around 4:00pm. There may or may not be policies about sobriety or treatment mental health issues, meaning your bunk mate may be an active. This is problematic for someone trying to maintain sobriety. Theft of personal items is relatively common.  Many homeless people have sleep and respiratory problems. Imagine sleeping in an open bay bunk space with 50+ other people snoring, and coughing all night.

Taking into account all of this, it’s not hard to understand why someone would choose the woods over a shelter: no one tells you where to go and when you can or can’t use the restroom; no personality conflicts; no one stealing your belongings. If you don’t like crowds, a shelter is not for you. Shelters aren’t for everyone. I don’t think I’d want to live in one.

Still, even with all of these common complaints about shelters, sometimes a person actually does like to stay in a shelter and will even choose not to go into a program or situation that gives them more independence.

A lot of shelters are free: free bed, free food, free clothes, free toiletries, and free activities at drop-in-centers. A lot of shelters also don’t expect much from their patrons in return. Some may require people to volunteer; others just require you to show up. For many people, the free room and board, low expectations, and a little bit of structure is the perfect setup for a low effort life. Some people like being told what to do, where to go, when to do it. They don’t have to think/work as hard. For some people, all of their friends live at the shelter too. Now imagine trying to sell someone the idea of living a life of 9 hour work days, 5 days a week, for not very much pay, just to have enough money to barely afford an apartment. Oh, and you don’t get to be around your friends until the evening or the weekend. Without the proper preparation, desire, and relationship with that person, you’d have better luck selling a bridge to nowhere than selling the “American Dream”.

Part of developing a desire to change is to first understand that people actually have these attitudes towards shelters and independent housing: some people would rather live in the woods than sleep in a shelter and others would rather stay in a shelter than move into their own apartment. Not only that, but in the context of a person’s life experiences, these attitudes are actually somewhat reasonable and to be expected. It takes a bit of work to foster enough ambivalence in a person to then be able to show them the benefits of a different way of living.

6. This is more than just a job, but good intentions does not equal good service

This pet peeve of mine has to do with the dispositions of social service workers. To some workers, this is just a job to help them pay the bills. There is no emotional investment in their clients because the bare minimum is all that’s needed to get by. To other workers, homeless service is a calling, a mission, or a quest. It is work that is virtuous and good. In this case, there might actually be an excess emotional investment. Not only that, but also an irrational belief that the good intentions or deep personal sacrifice is enough to justify the quality of work. In my view, both of these dispositions can be equally dangerous to homeless people because it skips over a key aspect: effectiveness – is the service actually helping people not be homeless anymore.

The Just-A-Jobbers seldom have the interpersonal or job skills and training to work with the people they’re tasked to help. There usually not paid very much either, so overall there’s little incentive to get better at what they do. As such, the quality of services are generally pretty poor and people often fall through the cracks or are unfairly treated. The focus is on just getting though the day and clocking in the hours.

The It’s-A-Callingers put forth a lot of effort, but often don’t pay attention to the effectiveness of their effort. They may volunteer and sacrifice to no end, tirelessly for long hours, but if isn’t appreciated, they can become pretty bitter. In my experiences, It’s-A-Callingers can also be territorial about their clients, not only resisting assistance from outsiders, but sometimes also unintentionally or actively work to keep the homeless people they’re helping homeless. The focus is on feeling righteous and good, on being the martyr. I once had to smuggle a medical enrollment form to a man staying a shelter because they frowned upon their clients leaving their walled garden for medical attention.

Now to be fair, there are many people for which this work is just a job or is a calling and do exceptionally well. However, I would argue that these people exceptional workers tend to view their job in a way similar to how I do. I view my work as craft: something that requires care, precision, skill, flexibility, and desire. My job is something I constantly have to work at to improve. For me, the end results are just as important as the intentions behind the actions. More to the point, I’m not doing a good job if people are still homeless. I’d be pretty pleased if more people adopted this outlook in their lives, regardless of the job.

7. It’s not that I don’t trust you; it’s that we need to make sure

In my Social Work Graduate program, I was taught that to be a good advocate we should trust what our clients say. If someone says they were unfairly treated, you believe them. If someone says they were robbed or raped, you believe them. Though generally speaking, it is fair to trust the direct report of our clients, I find that there are circumstances where this is not the best move. Now this is not to say that all clients lie, all though some do. However, “lying” is not the same as “not telling the truth.” Lying implies a certain, malicious intent.  Unfortunately, people can “not tell the truth” all the time without even meaning to. Denial, misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and disassociation (blacking out) are all ways in which a person can report inaccurate information without the intent of deception.

At some point in the therapeutic process, we have to be able to distinguish truth from untruth. At some point, untruths will have to be confronted, as safely as possible. Confrontation is a tricky work because society generally frowns upon confrontation, considering it rude and in poor taste. Think of the last time you saw someone being called a liar, and think of how angry that made them.  

A very important lesson I learned was that verification is not the same as calling someone a liar. There is no shame in verification as it is the only way we’ll know if we’re on the right track. Verify income, verify employment, verify mental illness, verify sobriety. If we verify in the affirmative, then we have no problem. If we verify in the negative, then we have information that work with for a better outcome. We expect verification in much of our daily lives from passwords to report cards to immunization records. Homeless services should be no different, and to look at this as confrontation or “calling out” is to do a disservice to effectiveness.

8. It’s okay to say no

Can I borrow some money? Can I stay longer? Can I have some bus passes? Can I have an extra plate? Can you fill this out for me?

When asked these questions by someone who is desperate and in need, it’s easy acquiesce. It’s easier to bend the rules or dish out a little more for one than the other. It’s easy to feel like you’re actually making a difference, cutting through red tape and speeding up the process. It’s also easy to get burnt out saying “yes” to everything.

Sometimes it is more responsible, ethical and compassionate to say “no”. It’s responsible when you have 100 people left to feed and someone is asking for seconds. It’s ethical when you have a massive waiting list and someone wants to get bumped ahead of someone else. It’s compassionate when there’s a form to complete and someone wants you to complete it for them because they have problems writing. There’s a difference between helping out and doing for. To repeat a phrase that I absolutely abhor, but is appropriate “give a hand out, not a hand up”.

Expectations are good. Goals are good. Challenges are good. Failures are good. Consequences are good. Consequence does not mean “punishment’, it means “effect resulting from an action”. I’m not advocating saying “no” for everything. But saying “yes” to everything often denies the requester the opportunity to do something on their own. Just as in raising children, a lot of good lessons come from “no”.

No cookies after dinner. No staying up past 10 on a school night. No TV until after you finish your homework. No allowance for bad behavior. No help for something until you’ve tried doing it yourself at least once.

In spite of what children believe, these “no’s” aren’t to be mean. They’re to teach responsibility, instill independence, and encourage accountability. Things that a homeless person needs to not be homeless anymore.

9. Red tape is there for a reason

In discussing the matter of reforming institutions, G.K Chesterton once wrote: “If you don’t see the use of it, it certainly won’t let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.”

A lot of people, homeless or not, wonder why things in social services appear so inefficient. So many forms to fill out, so many interviews to take place, so many long lines to wait in. If someone is homeless, and needs help now, why all the endless hoops to jump through? To many, it simply doesn’t make sense.

I felt that way very often in my early years as a social worker. I worked to streamline processes so that people could access services easier and more efficiently. Many of the processes and procedures I ran into felt stupid and obsolete and in need of reformation. But one day in my 3^rd year of work at a transitional housing program, I had an experience that made me realize that the red tape is there for a reason.

A woman who was formerly homeless, was doing a “walk across the country” to bring awareness to the need for homeless services. She wore an orange jumpsuit and carried a scrapbook with newspaper clippings, cataloging the press she had garnered along her way. Let’s call her Ms. Orange Jumpsuit. She came by to meet our Executive Director to share her story. But that wasn’t her only tasks. Shortly into our meeting, she brought up a homeless woman who was hanging out near the hotel she was staying at. Even though Ms. Orange Jumpsuit only learned a little bit about this woman’s situation, and only met her yesterday, Ms. Orange Jumpsuit wanted to try and get her into our housing program. Though I tried to explain our procedures, Ms. Orange Jumpsuit didn’t want to hear any of it. She wanted to see action and she wanted it now. She even threatened to go to the media if we didn’t. That clearly did not go well with our ED and the conversation and encounter ended very soon after. We didn’t hear back from Ms. Orange Jumpsuit again after that. And no media blitz either.

Ms. Orange Jumpsuit was a stranger in a strange land. She came here with the hope to whip these bureaucracies into shape and get some real work done. The first tragic case she came across, she made it her personal mission to right that wrong. But despite her good intensions, what Ms. Orange Jumpsuit failed to consider was all of the other tragic cases, emergency situations, and deservingly needy people who were also in this new strange land she walked into. Not only was our transitional program at full capacity, but there was also a lengthy waiting list. Because of the expectations that the program places on participants, all applicants are interviewed and screened, in an attempt to make sure that each of our limited beds went to the best use. Ms. Orange Jumpsuit wanted to bypass all of this for someone she admittedly barely knew. Not only that, but she threatened to go to the media; which who knows what damage that would cause to the organization and the ability for that organization to continue to provide services. All for someone she barely knew. And within days, she would be moving on to another town, oblivious to whatever chaos she wrought.

This encounter made me realize why there is red tape, and bureaucracy, and endless forms. It’s because there are not enough resources to help everyone.

10. You can’t save everyone

That bears repeating: There are not enough resources to help everyone. There’s never enough money, there’s never enough beds. There is almost always a waiting list, or a line, or some extra step in the way between homelessness and housing. The red tape is there to provide some kind of order or system of prioritization – some way to justify why this person will get services while that other one will not – and do so as fairly as possible.

It is true that some systems are worse than others. Some systems are excessively inefficient or inherently unfair. Some systems do a grossly hideous job a providing services to those in need. But as mentioned earlier, intent and execution are two different things. And at the end of the day, we still need some kind of way to determine how we will use the limited resources we have.

It’s both ethical and moral to continue to find a better way to help the needy, while advocating for more resources to do this adequately. The day will come where we’ll have enough resources and an effective, evidenced based system to really do exceptional work. However, at some point today, we have to realize that as much as we want to, as much as it pains us to see suffering and poverty, that we simply cannot help everyone. Not yet, maybe not ever.

Someone will fall through the cracks, someone will get glossed over, someone will have resources thrown at them to no end and still be homeless. It’s a reality that we have to learn to live with. There isn’t a day that goes by where a decision I make doesn’t somehow determine who gets “saved” and who doesn’t. If I thought of it in those terms every day, I’d go crazy. But I at least try to make myself think about it once in awhile, so that I refresh my appreciation for the magnitude of the power I wield, to always take it seriously, and to try my best to make the right decisions for the people I’m trying to help (whatever “right decisions” mean, anyways) .

11. Investment in a person makes all the difference

If there was one thing that I could identify that is the single most important factor in the ability for a particular person or party to obtain services, it is this: The degree to which a social service work is invested in the client.

To put it in simpler terms: the more a worker feels that a client “belongs to them,” the harder they’ll work for the client and the more services the client will have access to.

To put it in even simpler terms: “I treat my clients better than I treat your clients.”

I admit, this is an immensely subjective, arbitrary, and unfair way to conduct business. And yet this is exactly what I see happen every day. As stated earlier, because resources are scarce, providers must provide some way to prioritize and organize. This can be done as a first come first serve basis, or on a needs basis. Interviews to determine appropriateness for programs can be very structured. However, will all the efforts to provide an objective and fair means for distributing services, there is always an aspect of subjectivity. Different values are placed on different circumstances. Different characteristics are weighted differently. Who is more needy, a woman who has been living in the woods for years, or a woman who is being evicted? The woman in the woods is constantly exposed to the elements. But the woman being evicted, if helped early enough, may be able to escape homelessness quicker and cheaper.

And let’s not forget the most subjective aspect of all: the impression their story leaves on us. A memorable, touching, virtuous case that we connect with, that we are moved by, will muster our efforts more than a forgettable, or potentially problematic case. When deciding who gets a spot in an already filled case load or a bed that just became available, workers are more likely to pick someone that they like rather than someone they dislike.

However, this phenomenon doesn’t just happen in cases of good and bad. Often, it’s simply a matter of picking someone they know vs. someone they don’t know. Indeed, even a “problem case” can rally advocates so long as those advocates know them.

The best way to draw in more help for your client is to introduce your client to those new helpers. The opposite is also true. The best way to avoid difficult cases is to avoid them completely. Humans are funny creatures, and we can’t unlearn something once we learn it, just as we can’t unknow someone we have just met. Knowledge changes our perspective of things and people, so that a nightmare client one day becomes your special client the next, simply by meeting them and connecting with their story.

Social services workers usually never admit this is the case, and many of them aren’t aware this is going on. But I see it. I see people swearing not to work with a client and then suddenly changing gears and becoming a fierce advocate for them.

This poses a particular challenge then for homeless people who either aren’t very sociable, or don’t have advocates who invested in them. 

This also poses a particular challenge to outsiders of the homeless world, who get touched by a single story and try to move mountains for that person, not realizing that there are thousands more with similar stories in cities all over the U.S.

12. Excuses only take you so far

Much of what I’ve written thus far could be considered a small primer for understanding some of the ins and outs of the homeless population and homeless services. Indeed, understanding and empathy are important characteristics and skills to have as conventional wisdom often fails us. It’s important to see where a person has been, to hear their story, and feel their life. To repeat that standard social worker line, we need to “start where the client is”. Only when we understand what a person’s situation is and how they got there, can we help them get out of it.

But here’s the catch. Reasons, rationales, and understandings only get you so far. That’s the tip of the ice berg. Understanding a problem doesn’t solve it, it only makes you aware of it. So at some point in the helping process, reasons, rationales, and understandings stop being helpful and start becoming excuses. At some point in the helping process, victims have to stop being victims and start working to become survivors.

Yes, your life was difficult. Yes, you were dealt a bad hand and a lot of this isn’t your fault. Yes, you made some terrible mistakes and a lot of decisions that you wish you could take back. But we can’t change the past. We can, however, work today to make a better future. We have today. And today we can decide to keep being the victims, or to move on. And I’m here to help. It won’t be easy, and in all honesty, it shouldn’t be. But at least I think it’s worth it.

13. American homeless people have it easy

A few years ago from the date of this writing, I had the opportunity to go to Jamaican for my grandmother’s funeral. I’ve to Jamaica dozens of times in the past, but this was the first time going down as a social worker, with social worker eyes. What I (finally) saw, was incredible. Homeless takes on a different meaning in developing nations. There are no shelters, no soup kitchens, no clothing closets, and no food stamps. A shelter in Jamaica was 5 sheets of aluminum siding or wood panels. A soup kitchen in Jamaica is a nice old lady in the neighborhood like my grandmother, who makes sure she cooks extra than night in case a random stranger was hungry. Of the people who I saw who were poor and or without homes, I didn’t see anyone who was overweight or obese. The main fat people were my relatives, who relatively wealthy people.

I’ve said this to coworkers many times, it’s almost impossible to starve in America. You may not get the most nutritious food, but it’s calories.  There’s always a food bank or a soup kitchen or something. In developing nations, resources are even more scarce and many times more expensive. After factoring in exchange rate, a minimum wage job here pays a significantly large amount in Jamaica.

I bring this up only to put things in perspective. It is definitely difficult for the homeless here in America. But it could be a whole lot worse.

14. Ending homelessness is a matter will: what you are and are not willing to do

At the end of the day and in the final analysis, the solution to every problem boils down to one thing: what are you willing to do.

Truth be told, with the amount of money we’ve spent as a country win the last 10 years (as of the time of this writing), we could have nearly ended homeless just by having the government pay for everyone to have an apartment or house of their own. If we wanted to.

I could let a family that has to wait out a waiting list stay in my spare bedroom of my apartment so they wouldn’t have to sleep their car. If I wanted to.

You could shell out $50 for gas so this guy over here can drive to and from work until his first paycheck. If you wanted to.

This guy over here could go into an inpatient treatment program so that he can get into another program that requires sobriety prior to admission. If he wanted to.

This lady could lie to an inpatient program and say she doesn’t have a drinking problem just so she can get free room and board. If she wanted to.

Now I’m not actually condoning or condemning any of these examples. I merely list them to point out that there is always a solution to a problem. It’s just that most of the solutions are things we may not be willing to do. Success is largely determined by what a person is or isn’t willing. Some people’s standards are too low and they end up compromising themselves and being exploited for little gain. Some people’s standards are too high and they end up refusing many opportunities that they would significantly gain from. There’s pros and cons to every decision. We can be lazy or ridged or we can overdo it. Being able to adjust and adapt our standards to our situation, to be flexible with what we are and are not willing to do, may be the most important skill of all. At least, depending on what we want the outcome to be.

15. I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before

My wife thinks I have a need to be right all the time. I tell her, “it’s not that I need to be right all the time. It’s that I am right, most of the time.” And on a good day, she’ll say that’s true. But I’ve been wrong many times. And when I’m wrong, I’m spectacularly wrong. This would be funny in a self depreciating way, except that when I’m wrong at work, someone’s life usually is affected by it, usually affected negatively.

Confidence is good. But blind, arrogant confidence can be costly. Any time I’m unsure of the course of action to take with a challenging case, or even if I’m too sure of a course of action, I usually try to bounce it off my co-workers before I proceeded.

At a previous job, I had a co-worker who was my Jiminy Cricket. He was the consummate rebel, the perpetual devil’s advocate. He would take the opposite side of everything just to be different. And it drove me crazy. I hated working with him because every case staffing became an argument. But over time, I started talking with him on a personal level and got to know him better. Eventually, I found a great deal of value in his argumentativeness. I now had to defend the merits of my thinking to someone who would constantly question them. The value was that it made me think through my actions better, to reach better therapeutic and ethical solutions. He didn’t always have to end up agreeing with me, but I did have to make sure that my decisions were void of bias, unfair emotion, and personal “stuff” as best they could be. (See: My Own Devil’s Advocate)

It’s good to fail. It’s good to be wrong. How else would we learn? Its’ okay to feel a healthy amount of guilt when we’ve made a costly mistake, because that’s what keeps us from making it again. I remember every serious mistake I’ve made, and I think I’m better for it.

Don’t fear your mistakes, own them. When you screw up, promptly and genuinely admit it and seek to rectify it. Everyone will be better off for it.

Tags: homeless, Homelessness, Shelters, social services, Social Work