Why My Dislike of New Moon has Nothing to do with Not Reading the Book

This past Friday, my wife and I went to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I’m sure  she would have preferred to go see it with one of her female friends who was equally fanatical as her, but I tried my best to be a good sport for her.

Ever since we saw the first Twilight movie on DVD my wife has been obsessed. She watched it several times and I decided to get her a boxed set of the books for Mother’s Day. Kinda like with Christianity, I don’t really like Twilight, but I’ll support her interest in it.

She praises author Stephanie Meyer and her Twilight series for its witty dialog and refreshing portrayal of innocent love. I despise the series for it’s morally reprehensible glorification of abusive relationships, archaic gender stereotypes, marginalization of minorities, materialism, and oversexualiziation of teenagers. In addition, I think it’s kinda dull.

My wife thinks I’m missing the point. She feels that my judgments about the series are unfair because the movie is an adaptation, so naturally they’d leave a lot of details out. They can’t possibly cover every critical important detail. She believes that if I’d just read the book, I’d understand it better and get the true message of the Twilight series.

To all you atheists out there, does this sound familiar? Ever hear something like this before?

That’s right! That’s what Christians say about the bible!

I just don’t understand the true love of Jesus (Edward) and if I read the bible (New Moon), I’d understand.

And as I’ve said to her, perhaps it’s not that I don’t understand enough. Perhaps it’s that I understand too  much.

Or maybe our differing interest in the series has nothing to do with understanding at all, and has everything to do with worldview. More specifically, the worldview of Twilight is consistent with my wife’s worldview (and the worldview of Meyer’s target audience) and is inconsistent with my worldview. In psychology, we’d call this egosyntonic and egodystonic.

Egosyntonic: behaviors, values, feelings, which are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one’s ideal self-image. Egosyntonic disorders are hard to treat because patients often fail to see that there is anything wrong and deny any problems. Their symptoms fit in and seem to be accurate with how they perceive the world. Wikipedia provided anorexia nervosa as an example.

Egodystonic: behaviors (e.g., dreams, impulses, compulsions, desires, etc.) that are in conflict, or dissonant, with the needs and goals of the ego, or further, in conflict with a person’s ideal self-image. Egodystonic disorders like depression or anxiety, are much easier to treat because the symptoms are inconsistent with how they perceive the world. Sufferers can tell that something’s wrong.

I would argue that Twilight is egosyntonic with my wife’s (and the however many millions of people who love the series) self-image and worldview. Likewise, I would say that the reason why I detest Twilight so much is that it is egodystonic to my self-image and worldview.

Malasa Skeptic from Skepchick has the money quote:

Ew Moon: Why Twilight continues to hurt America…

“The messages behind Twilight? Be weak, let your man protect you. Be careful, don’t get him angry. If he hurts you, it’s your fault. Abuse is part of life. Accept it. If he really loves you, he’ll try not to hurt you but don’t be surprised if he does. You probably deserve it. You are nobody without your man, so don’t bother trying”

I find this absolutely repulsive. But then again, I’m not as handsome and as beautiful as Edward Cullen is portrayed. Edward is portrayed as a cultured, rich, sexy, devoted man (who is overprotective, bossy, manipulative and paternalistic).

The problem is that this is exactly what Meyer’s target audience wants (read: expects). Her fans expect that sexy and powerful men are kinda jerks, it’s consistent with how they feel the world works. They fully believe that the world is a dangerous place where they constantly have to be protected. They fully believe they should be pampered with gifts and luxury cars and have major decisions made for them.

To the guys out there who know women who are fans of the series, how many times have you heard someone say to you that all men should be like Edward? And what was your first thought?

“You want us to be sexy and rich and to fawn over you”. Well for most of us, we can fawn over women, but the sexy and rich parts may be permanently out of our realm.

When I say “target audience” what I really mean is women. Bland, flat, undefined Bella is a nice fictionsuit that women can slip into and live the story through. Most guys don’t identify with Edward, the hypersexy, hyperrich lead character. He’s too unrealistic and too majestic for us to relate.

Guys might be able to identify with Jacob, Bella’s unrequited love interest. 

Or worse, we men identify with the humans. The inconsequential background players to which neither Bella, nor Meyer, nor the audience cares much for. And whose presence is simply to highlight how much more awesome the vampire world is.

Twilight egodystonic to me, and probably to men in general. I don’t get sucked into the drama and the rapture of it all because it’s either unrelatable to me in its entirety, or the things I can relate to are marginalized and devalued by the author and the audience.

I’d further argue then, that since Twilight is egodystonic, I am somewhat inoculated to the fantasy and can accurately see the story for what it is. Or more so, I can see what everyone else is so blind to.

If you’re a white, Christian, woman, who has ever dreamed of being noticed by the sexiest boy in highschool you may not notice certain things.

You may not notice the racist overtones in Meyer’s portrayal of vampires and werewolves. You may not bat an eye when Alice calls Jacob a “dog”, in the movie. You may feel it perfectly normal since he’s a werewolf. You may feel that the portrayal of pale (white) vampires as the civilized, cultured race and the brown (ethnic) werewolves as the naturalistic, earthly (savage) race as normal. Of course the werewolves wouldn’t have fancy houses, fancy cars, fancy clothes. Look at them!

You may not notice that only white people end up with white people. That the minorities all got paired up together.

You may not notice that the movie seems to treat clinical depression as a condition that can only be cured by getting together with another man. It’s totally natural for a woman to constantly do self-destructive things to get a man’s attention!

You may not notice that the movie seems to think that physical assaults from a man to a woman is normal, because he couldn’t “control himself” and deep down he genuinely “loves her”.

You may not find it unusual that everyone needs to be protected from everything. No one seems trustworthy enough to be able to take care of themselves.

You may not find it odd that everyone has such a hard time controlling themselves, that if they lose control or succumb to their primal urges, terrible things happen!

You may find it perfectly normal that Bella feels so unworthy of Edward’s love. He’s soooo perfect and all and we’re soooo flawed and unworthy. He’s kinda like Jesus that way. (When this came up in the towards movie, I actually turned to my wife and asked her “Is Edward supposed to be Jesus?)

Indeed. If you were Meyer’s target audience, all of this would seem normal.

But what if you’re not her target audience. What if you were, maybe an atheist, brown skinned, Chinese Jamaican, male, clinical therapist, who is trained in trauma and abuse? Maybe this stuff wouldn’t seem all that normal at all. Maybe it’d seem pretty disordered.

Maybe, as a person who’s spent his life overcoming the stereotypes and faulty beliefs that Meyer perpetuates, I can see through the dreaminess and see the stories for what they are: poorly written, repugnant drivel that seeks to glorify all of the maladaptive and dangerous aspects that an archaic, patriarchal, theocratic (Christian) worldview has to offer.

But why do I care so much? Once again, Skepchick says it best: 

“The Twilight series is dangerous.  Not because Bella is a brainless, empty, shell of a female character. I don’t have a problem with weak women in the movies. What bothers me is that this tripe is being sold not just as normal but as DESIRABLE. As something that women should aspire to.”

What struck me with all of this, why I was so eager to write this, was that the parallels to Christianity were astounding. Replace “Twilight” with “Bible”, “Bella” with “Christians”, “Edward” with “Jesus”, and “Jacob” with “Rational thought” and this post would be just as comprehensiblle.

My wife told me that Meyer, a Mormon, said that she never intended her books to be ”Christian” books. But you don’t have to explicitly say “Jesus is Lord” in the dialog for for the influences to come through.  As an author, the universe you create often looks very similar to the universe you perceive.

The Road to Atheism Part 10: Half a Year With(out) Jesus

This is part 10 of a series, you can catch up with other parts you’ve missed at My Story.

The Jesus camp left me changed, revitalized, a new man. But that shiny bright and new feeling didn’t last for very long. As I write this, I’m desperately trying to recall something memorable or enriching or joyful to share, something that would highlight the transformation, however fleeting it was. Something to demonstrate to you that I really was a Christian. Really born again. That I really believed.

But I can’t.

In my head I remember that I at one point I genuinely believed I had received the cleansing love of Jesus Christ, that at one point I genuinely felt different. But none of the memories are coming to mind. The human brain is a truly funny thing.

No, what I remember is a lot of loneliness and isolation. I remember Ms. J starting to date the drumline section leader of our marching band, probably the most Christian person in the band other than Ms. J herself. I remember not getting to hang out with a lot of my friends because I was the drum major now and they were all practicing and hanging out in their own sections. I remember that my assistant drum major was a histrionic girl who I severley detested. I remember losing a ton of weight and having to have my drum major uniform adjusted to reflect my now anorexic like figure. The weight loss was probably the first sign of my depression.

What I remember most was that the good feelings went away as I noticed that the world was not just the same. The world felt worse. I was still an angsty teenager, only worse. I still felt outcasted, only worse. I was still deeply infatuated with Ms. J, but worse.

I changed myself for her and she was with this other, brand new guy. And not only that, she avoided me. Perhaps she knew then what I know know: that anyone so pathetic to completely change who they are for a crush, isn’t worth dating.She never said it outright. She’s not that type of person. She wasn’t cruel, but she wasn’t straight forward and assertive either.

Some Christians could probably say that this is what Satan does to the newly devout, he hits them harder than ever because he knows he’s going to lose their soul. Some Christians could probably say that I was never devout to begin with, that believing for lust isn’t belief at all. I’d agree with the latter. I don’t know for sure when I stopped believing and stopped pretending, but I’m pretty sure rapid deconversion began when I started sneaking sips of MD 20/20 from my best friends fridge.

As the school year started, I became angrier, more agitated, and more depressed. I kept on losing weight. I had a circle of guy friends who were really supportive of me. We were a group of 5 hopeless, angsty, romantics and so we fit in well together.  We were all pretty whiny, but I seemed to be a little more whiner than the others.

The years without female affection from my mom, to all those other crushes, to Ms. J was really starting to take its toll. And as the depression mounted, so did the suicidal thoughts. Testing the waters I’d throw out a question to random people, “what happens to people who kill themselves, do they go to hell?”

I know I probably should be talking more about Jesus and Christians, but when it came to the depression, faith really didn’t matter. I honestly didn’t give it much thought. I don’t remember praying to Jesus to make things better. I don’t remember handing anything over to god. I do remember feeling abandoned by my Christian friends and that their words and deeds felt hollow, impotent, and ineffectual.

With Homecoming right around the corner, I was nearing my wits end. For the last 3 years, I had skipped my school’s homecoming dance because I didn’t have a date. My senior year was proving to be no different. That’s when I started writing the letters.

The letters were basically my suicide notes and plans. It felt good to write out my pain, my angst, my thoughts. I’d write how I’d do it: with a gun, forcing Ms. J to drive me out into a remote area on the free way and make her drive off so I could shoot myself in the head. I’d ramble on and on about how angry I was, blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes, writing a letter and throwing it out is sufficient to feel better. But as evidenced by this blog, sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes you also need to be heard.

At some point I made the decision to let Ms. J read it.

The Road to Atheism Part 9: Road Trip

This is part 9 of a series, you can catch up with other parts you’ve missed at My Story.

I’d never been to a church camp before, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. In the days leading up to the trip, I tried really hard to picture in my mind what the week had in store for me. I figured that there would be games, activities, meeting new people, lots and lots of prayer, and perhaps a new beginning. My hope was that, by entering into Ms. J’s  world and maybe even believing what she believed, that she would consider me a suitable suitor. At the very least, I hoped that we’d get to spend some time together. Of course, that hope was dashed very quickly.

The very first thing the staff did as we were all dropped off at the church by are parents was to divide the campers up into preassigned groups of mixed ages and genders. While this by itself isn’t such a terrible thing, I immediately learned that Ms. J would not be in my group. They split us up. The primary reason for my being there was to hang out with her and I wouldn’t get to do it. I was just as sure then as I am now that they did this deliberately, to get us out of our comfort zones and onto the lord.

Church camps are intense experiences specifically designed to wear you down, lower your defenses, and make you vulnerable. They take away all the comforts, all of the distractions (phones, TV, internet, family), they ship you off to a remote location so you can focus on one thing, and one thing only: Jesus. By the end of the week you’re so exhausted, so worn out, so drained of all strength, that the last push over the ledge to becoming a born-again Christian is a breeze.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Friendships are often accidents of proximity; you often become closest to the people nearest to you. So not being in the same group with Ms. J meant a lost opportunity. However, I wasn’t going to let this one massive setback get me down. I committed myself to making the best of the situation, maybe making some new friends, maybe learning some new things, and showing her that I can still be the man I think she wants me to be.

In hindsight, it all sounds so desperate and pathetic.

A caravan of motor coaches dropped us off at a ranch in a location that I don’t remember. My dad, being the over preparer that he was, gave me a big wad of cash to spend on food and supplies for the week at the ranch’s food mart. This was unnecessary as our basic needs like food and snacks were provided for in the camp tuition. My bunk mates were two other guys from my group: a guy I barely knew from high school who we’ll call V-Ball, and a guy I never met before called B-Ball.

B-Ball was kinda sketchy looking. I’m calling him B-Ball because when we first met, he said that he was here, not for the Jesus, but for the basketball. I was a little put off by the thought that he was here for an anterior motive, but in hindsight that was hypocritical of me, because I was there for a girl.

I didn’t see much of Ms. J at all during the entire week as campers quickly and efficiently cliqued off by group. Still, I had actually had a lot of fun. The group activities were enjoyable, not too cheesy and really allowed for some nice bonds of friendship. Every now and then they’d throw in an some “quiet” time when we’d go read some bible and reflect on it. That part was kinda boring.

I hit a small snag in my positive feelings one even halfway through the week when I came back to my room to discover all of my money was stolen. All $120 in cash that my dad gave me was gone. Vanished. Poof. I didn’t tell anyone that I had so much cash and the only people on the entire trip who may have remotely known that I had it were my roommates V-Ball and B-Ball. Of course, my suspicions fell on B-Ball, that sketchy punk. Who steals money on a Christian retreat? What the hell?
Furious, livid, and betrayed, I ran over to the counselors, who were in a planning meeting to find my group leader and report the theft. There wasn’t much they could (would?) do about it and I wasn’t the confrontational type. So we just left it as is.
I was beyond words at this point. Not only had I not had a chance to hang out with Ms. J, but I’d also been robbed! If this is what Christianity is like, leave me out.

The next day, our morning group session changed all that. I don’t know when they arranged it, but all of the group members pitched in to get me back all of my cash. All $120. I was floored, touched. It was probably the nicest thing any group of people had ever done for me in my entire life at that point. I actually cried little, you know, a “dirt in my eye man” cry. I thought to myself how could they be sure if I lied about the theft. They just gave me all this money based on my word alone. I guess those thoughts kinda miss the point. This, by far, was the most Christlike memory I had of the entire week.

The second to last day, there was to be a rodeo in the evening and we were all to dress in cowboy attire. I didn’t have too much of that, but I did have a hat and wore it to the evening presentation. As it turns out, I didn’t need the hat at all because the evening presentation was the big pitch to close the deal. I didn’t realize it until the moment it happened that this evening was the “If you wanna give your life to Christ, here’s your chance” event. Most of the evening was kind of a blur. What I do remember was that there was that the evening presentation itself was pretty emotional, that the room was filled with children on the verge of tears if not already crying. At some point, we took communion. And when the speakers started asking for people to come down the aisles to accept Christ, I felt something. Not just a figurative something, a literal something. Like a hug. Like two arms wrapping around me, firm but compassionate. It made me feel safe, like I could relax.

Was this god? Was this Jesus? I thought, yes.

And so, wiping the tears from my eyes, I walked up to the front stage and did it.

Several other kids came up with me, and while most of the audience got to go to the rodeo when the moment was passed, us new born-agains were shuffled into a different room.  We waited around for a bit and there was a lot of crying and praying. What was supposed to be a life changing moment for me was slightly soured by the presence of him… B-Ball.

B-Ball decided this was the moment for him to give his life to Christ too. B-Ball, who was only here for the sports. B-Ball, who most likely stole my money. This faker was sitting next to me with his fake tears and his fake repentance. Where’s my damn money?

Only slightly soured. I tried to recapture the gravity of the event. I had become a Christian, on my own, without Ms. J. I had to tell her!

I rushed out to the rodeo to meet up with her, she looked adorable in her cowgirl outfit. With the most joyous, rapturous smile I told her that I had just committed my life to Jesus! She looked up at me with a kinda sorta half forced smile and told me that she was really happy for me.

The next night featured a sort of gala/ball/dance thing. I thought that now would be the chance to really hang out with her. But through out the evening, she was kinda distant to me.  I’d try to hang out with her, but she was really quiet and wouldn’t look me in the eye. It was the same distant feeling that had been there all week, and would be be there for the rest of our “friendship”.

This wasn’t quite how I thought things would turn out.

Reflections Following an Atheist Meetup

Meetup.com is a handy site that lets people from different interest groups… well… meet up. I had the fortune last night to go to my city’s monthly atheist meet up meeting. Our city has two non-theist groups, a free thought society that is more focused on education and this meet up which is more focused on social engagement. I can get all the education I need from the internet, so the social part was the real draw for me.

The night was both fun and interesting. I won’t bore you with the minute by minute details, but I do want to share a few important observations and feelings I had about it.

To start, a lot of people talked over each other. I mean I’ve been in discussions where people didn’t really appear to be listening to each other, but this was taken to the next level. We weren’t just interrupting with our feedback on the topic at hand. Everyone was interrupting with brand new, non sequitors.  We’d be talking about someone’s family with the church and someone would interject with a non-related religious factoid about the bible. Since I usually do a ton of listening, especially when I’m in new situations due to shyness, the whole scene was a really unusual for me as a social worker. I never once thought anyone was deliberately trying to be rude or to deliberately monopolize the focus an attention (well, maybe 1 person was an attention hog).

No, I got the impression that all of the participants were so eager, so desperate, aching so much to be heard, to tell their story, to say the most blasphemous and witty and clever things, they we all forgot to listen to each other. I’m sure you can imagine a group of people who spend years never really able to share what they believe, who have to keep quiet, keep silent, or lie. Get them all in a room and the talk explodes. But in spite of all this talking, there were only a few times that I felt that people were genuinely listening without showing signs of annoyance or impatience for their turn to speak.

People loved to share facts. I call this the “Well, you know…” phenomenon and it ties directly into the talking over each other think. I’d be listening to a conversation and someone would interrupt with, “Well you know Christmas is based on a pagan festival.” Or, “well you know, there are actually 2 sets of 10 commandments”. This was the strange part was that everyone was sharing facts as if everyone else didn’t know them. I kept thinking to myself, “yeah I know that, who are you explaining this to?” Again, it’s like we’re all so excited to finally have people to share these cracks and flaws in religion that we’ve found, that we forget that everyone else has found the same cracks and flaws too.

When we did listen to each other, it felt really good. There were several moments of real human connection. When we were actually talking about our lives, our feelings of loneliness from isolation, our shame in keeping secrets from the world, fear of being discovered, and how wonderful it was to be just a little bit more authentic. You know, all the touchy feely stuff. When we got past the trivia and facts and started… fellowshiping (ugh) talking, it was wonderful.

I kinda missed the bubbly welcomings of our church. Yeah, that’s pretty painful to say. When I walked into the meeting area, I was only mildly greeted with a kinda “hey, whats up”. Thankfully, my recent work as a homeless outreach worker has made me a whole lot more comfortable walking up to strangers and introducing myself with a smile. But even when I reached out, the responses I got were kinda awkward, as if we were all still feeling each other out with our shields up, never fully relaxed or comfortable.

When I go church with my wife we’re usually greeted by the welcome team. This is a pair of people who’s sole purpose that morning is to just say hello to everyone with a smile on their face. It’s manufactured and phony and forced and rarely genuine, and yet it still accomplishes the goal of making me feel welcomed. Rather effectively. At the atheist meetup, I missed that. I missed the illusion of well adjusted people greeting me as I entered. I missed the packaging, probably because I became so used to it.

I was the only minority there. There were 14 people in attendance. 5 were women, which was good to see. The other 8 were white men. Come on atheists, we can do better than that. Where are the minorities!

It really feels like a young support group. In retrospect, I probably had many expectations that were probably unfair to have. We atheists are a hard bunch to wrangle into a group. I genuinely feel that if groups like these are to thrive, they have to be more than just facts and religion bashing. While those are fun activities, I need more than that.

I can get religion bashing on the internet. I need people dammit! I need camaraderie and community. I need a group that will be welcoming to my family, that’s kid friendly and that won’t make my wife feel like an outcast. I need a group where we don’t always have to talk about how much religion sucks. I want a group that I can do community service with. I would LOVE to serve a meal in a homeless shelter, with my fellow atheists, wearing an atheist t-shirt, talking about reason and humanism and the benefits of looking out for one another because the life we have is the only one we’ll get (so we better make it count).

We need to one day move from being a small band of survivors of an oppressive hegemony and start living our lives with authenticity while helping to improving the world. I think this group can be that for me, and I don’t mind putting the work into it.

To Any Atheists Who Have Read the Alcoholics Anonymous “We Agnostics” Chapter

Does this chapter sound like it was written by an agnostic or an atheist?

Just for kicks, I pulled out my copy of the big book today and re-read it. Here’s a PDF version of it  if you’d like to read it for yourselves: “We Agnostics” (PDF).

The big idea in Alcoholics Anonymous is that some great big higher power will keep you from drinking. Of the 12 steps in the AA program, steps 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 11 all directly mention a god (“as we understood him”). It’s kinda a catch all for monotheists, but possibly exclusive to polytheists and animists, etc? I dunno.

Clearly this concept would be difficult for someone who lacked a belief in god, so the “We Agnostics” chapter is the attempt to address that. Read it for yourselves, but the gist is that it doesn’t matter what you believe, but believe in something supernatural, because that’s the only thing thats gonna work.

Now when I read this the first time several years ago, I didn’t pay too much attention to it. I didn’t consider myself an atheist back then and I was fine with the supernatural. But today, after months of reading arguments and counterarguments for god, reading up on apologetics, books and blogs about skepticism and science, “We Agnostics” feels pretty flimsy and weak.

The chapter latches on to the classic negative stereotypes of agnostics/atheists: over rationalists, hyperskeptics, rebellious, materialistic, hedonistic, people who avoid or ignore spirituality, who pretend to deny the existance of a god they deep down know is there.

Here’s an excerpt:

Instead of regarding ourselves as intelligent agents, spearheads of God’s ever advancing Creation, we agnostics and atheists choose to believe that our human intelligence was the last word, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and end of all. Rather vain of us, wasn’t it?  (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 49)

God’s ever advancing Creation? The alpha and the omega? Does that sound like an atheist or an agnostic to you?

Or does it sound like a Christian pretending to be one?

Samuel Ross wrote a great post on this rediculousness of this chapter over at Stinkin’ Thinkin called We Agnostics – Seven Deceptive Delusions that’s worth a read if you’re interested.

“We Agnostics” is really just a week attempt at evangelism and unfortunately, it will probably work on some people: the “I haven’t really given it much thought” crowd. There is a giant difference between disbelief in god due to apathy and disbelief due to well thoughtout, well reasoned, well studied conclusions.

Now I’m not saying that AA is all trash. You know what I think the best parts of the 12 steps are?

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

10. Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

12. Having  had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

By now you should know why I like these steps, and it’s not just because they leave out god. It’s because these steps are about ongoing honesty, self-awareness, personal accountability, and responsibility. These are the tangible things people can do and practice, and they cut to the core of addiction, stinkin’ thinkin’! Denial, lies, rationalizations, intellectualizations, magical thoughts, escapes from reality and from truth. Escapes from self control and discipline. Not paying attention to the things that are going on in our lives and how our actions contribute to the results.

Step 4 and 8 tells us is to look hard at ourselves and see where we went wrong. How our actions contributed.

Step 9 tells us to own up to our mistakes and to try and make it right.

Step 10 tells us to keep doing it!

Step 12 tells us to apply these lessons to the rest of our lives!

We don’t need god to be sober, and good thing too, since he doesn’t exist. But we do need to own up to our lives and take responsibility for ourselves.

One last bit. I was reading a bit more from the Stinkin’ Thinkin’ blog and wanted to share this gem from their “What Then, If Not A.A.?” page.

The biggest job you have ahead of you is turning that desire into a decision, once you make that decision, there’s nothing more powerful. That is how it’s done – and even A.A. bears this out. They’re right: you can quit drinking by praying to your Chia Pet, but you have to want to quit. You can put any nonsense before “but you have to want to quit,” and it will work, because that’s the key. Getting to the place where you want to is imperative, and can be a process – and it’s different from wanting to want to, or wishing you could — but this can be done. It’s hard, as is evidenced by the low recovery rate. But, there’s no such thing as your “last hope” or the “last house on the block.” You are not powerless; you’re just not used to being powerful, yet. Don’t turn it over, or let go – take it back. Don’t trade alcohol for aphorisms.  If you believe in a higher power, then believe this, too: there is no supremely enlightened being that wants you to debase yourself and throw away your uniquely human potential to create your life by being drunk or by living the rest of your life on your knees.

On Squirrels and Resources

Back in August our family moved from our nice, gated, overpriced apartment community to a smaller, more affordable rental home in a nice residential area. Because we finally had a front and back yard, I was hyper excited to put up a bird feeder in the back yard, just outside my daughter’s window so she coud bird watch. When I eventually put the bird feeder up, not much happened. There weren’t a whole lot of birds in sight and our back yard didn’t have any trees.

Our front yard was different. Our front yard has a great big tree that was teeming with squirrels. The solution was obvious. Put up a squirrel feeder. I picked out a really simple feeder, it was a box that had a plastic window and a hinged lid that squirrels could open and pick out food. The feeder also had a ledge that the squirrels could stand on and eat . When they needed more, they simply turned around and opened the lid again. The food was a mix of corn kernels, peanuts, and sunflower seeds. Within hours of nailing the feeder to the tree, we had squirrels! One or two at first, and then more and more. I think at one time I counted five!

For the first couple weeks I was fascinated by watching the squirrels eat. Their movements were so skittish and cautious. THey would approach the feeder, look around all sides for any onlookers, and climb on to the ledge and feast.

They were pretty messy and inefficient. Corn was the most common food in my food mix. The squirrels would take a kernel, eat a little bit out of the middle, toss the rest away and go for another kernel. Every once in a while I’d go outside and look at the base of the tree and see half eaten kernels with edible meat still there. Ever see a movie scene where a person who hasn’t eaten in a long time encounters a bountiful feast? They never finish anything, they just gorge themselves moving from dish to dish, tasting everything.

The real fascinating part was when two or more squirrels were arround who wanted to eat. The ledge could  probably accomodate two squirrels at a time, but I only ever saw one. This usually meant that any other squirrels had to settle for the half eaten scraps on the ground, or try to attack and overthrow the squirrel on the ledge. The attacks were really exciting. Usurper squirrels would test out approaches, some would come from above, some from the sides, others from below. They’d creep up very stealthily, trying to gain the upper hand on the ledge squirrels. Some ledge squirrels would be chased away, and other would hold their ground. At any given time you could tell who the alpha squirrel was. Sometimes a  usurper squirrel would launch themselves at the ledge squirrel, the two of the falling on the ground, allowing for a third opportunistic squirrel to move in to claim the ledge.

Despite the entertainment and excitement from the squirrel fights, I have to admit that when I saw my first fight, I was exceedingly disappointed in the squirrels. My feelings were actually kinda hurt. I went out of my way to provide this food for them and here they are fighting over it. Like really fighting, bites, scratches, and all. I know they couldn’t understand yet that I would continue to provide the food and that they felt this was a highly prized, highly limited resource. At no point did any of the squirrels work together or try to make sure that everyone got food. It was every squirrel for him/herself. “I got mine and screw you.”

This is the problem with anthropomorphizing animals, attributing human characteristics and personalities to them. I can’t expect them to be compassionate and civil and empathetic and fair,  because they’re not people.

But wait? Is it really just because they’re not people? What over a long period of time, say a hundred squirrel generations, the squirrels of my neighborhood were provided dozens of squirrel feeders strategically placed throughout the neighborhood, that never emptied and were always replenished.Would we still see the same aggressive behavior? Or would we see the squirrels exhibit more social, more domesticated behaviors?

The reason I ask is because what fascinated me so much about the squirrel attacks was that it looked so similar to how humans behave when resources are scarce. The strong monopolize most of the resources and the weak are forced to fend for scraps. You see this pretty often, especially in natural disasters, which is why you so often see the national guard is brought in to maintain law and order.

The squirrels got me thinking that maybe the ills of society are largely founded on a perception of a lack of resources. There are plenty of resources to go around for all us humans, just as there was plenty of squirrel food to go around. Despite this, it’s the perception of a lack of resources that breeds this behavior.

At the top of your head, think of an evil action that someone can do, any action, and I can trace it back to a perception of a lack of resources whether that resource is food, water, shelter, money, love and affection, or even time. Time is the one thing we genuinely never have enough of.

Lack of resources speaks to one important thing… security.

We want to feel safe and secure. Comforted. If we think there isn’t enough resources to go around, if we think there’s not enough to feel safe, we’ll just keep taking. By force if necessary. And if we’re not physically strong enough, or cunning enough to take what we want, we can always turn to religion. What’s more comforting for someone who doesn’t feel like there’s enough to go around than to be promised an afterlife where all their wants, needs, and desires are met?

I’m more interested now than ever to read Society without God: What the Least Religious Nations Can Tell Us About Contentment. If you could one day perceive the world to be as safe and comforting as realistically possible, with all the resources you’ll ever need; if you one day found yourself contented, accepting the world unconditionally as it is, what do you need god for?

Special Thanks to the 53% of Voters in Maine

Your decision to strip gays of their legal right to marry a mere 6 months after it was granted to them by both houses of your state legislature and signed by your governor, who you elected to office, has indirectly helped me be more outspoken about my atheism to my friends and family.

Human rights should not be a religious debate, especially when its religion thats making the case to deny rights. Religion has always been 20 steps behind the times when it comes to the advances of civilization. As far as I know, there are no secular reasons to bad gay marriage. Only religious ones. So in making the case for gay marriage, I also happen to make the case against religion.

Thanks for giving me that special push.

Support for gay marriage skews by age. Nation wide gay marriage is going to happen one day, probably even in my lifetime. I’m a patient man. If we have to wait for you all to grow old and die, I’m fine with that.

Poingant Comment about CPR

A couple weeks ago I was in a Basic Life Support training to renew my certification.  BLS training is where you learn how to do CPR to buy emergency responders extra time to save the lives. A new aspect to BLS training are AED units, portrable defibrillators that will provide electric shocks to reset heart that aren’t beating properly, or at all. The shock pads must be applied to bare skin on the torso of the patient, which usually means cutting and ripping away shirts and undergarnments (read: bras)

One of my fellow trainees was concerned about the privacy and modesty about potential patients who may be embarassed about having their breasts exposed while lifesaving measures are performed on her. She voiced her inquiry and the trainer responded:

“She’s already dead, she can’t be embarassed.”

Wow. That was a really good point. And technically true. Clinical death is simply when a person stops breathing and their blood stops circulating.  While CPR can and often does reverse clinical death, getting a person breathing and their blood going again, it’s success is not guaranteed. Time is the most critical factor, the faster medical care can be administered the better. Within a small window, people can be brought back to life. But during that time, they’re technically dead.

Another point the trainer noted was that the patient, more often than not, will express gratitude for saving their life rather than offense for exposing their boobies. Although, a more spiritual person might worry that their soul could still be embarassed. To that, I would say that the patient has their priorities messed up.

These responses from the trainer don’t strike me as atheist responses to say the least, but they do a really good job of cutting through to the reality of the situation.

Magic Phrase of the Day

Here’s a nice phrase that I have been saying to clients a lot lately that really goes a long way to mitigate future crises a helps reassure them as the move from homelessness to housing:

If you run into any problems, road blocks, or glitches DON’T FREAK OUT!! We can work through anything. Everything is workable and they’re always another solution.

They have a habit of expecting things to go 100% perfect, 100% smooth. And when it doesn’t, when the slightest problem arises, they fall apart and relapse. The promise and process of deliverance can be pretty stressful and nerve wracking.

Those people need constant reassurances constant support that a small hiccup isn’t going to start a chain reaction, that a small fleck of snow falling won’t necessarily become a raging avalanche. That you don’t have to be perfect to be served. You just gotta keep trying and never quit.

It reminds me of one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band lyrics:

So we can pull on through, whatever tears at us,
whatever holds us down. And if nothing can be done,
We’ll make the best of whats around

The problem isn’t the world. The world has always been neutral, difficult, random, uncaring and ever-changing. The problem is our inability to adapt and overcome. The problem is with our insistence on quick fixes requiring no effort, our obsessions with magic wands, cure-all elixirs, and spirits who will make it all better.

We humans are much more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes we need reminding that we can cure our ills ourselves. All we need is a little help from one another.

The Tangible Kingdom

The church we go to is doing a 3 week series right now called The Tangible Kingdom, exploring the possiblity of “the kingdom of god” existing here on Earth. More specifically, the series attempts to address the recent reports about decreases in church attendance and the increase in those not affiliated with religion and what can be done about it. As a brief reminder, ”no religious affiliation” does not mean atheist. People aren’t casting off superstitions in droves, just institutional superstition. 

 The sermons start off with the following argument:

• The message of salvation via Jesus is intrinsically attractive, compelling, and necessary
• Church attendance is decreasing
• Q.E.D. Church is unappealing

The sermon then goes on to talk about ways that Christians can live their lives to better minister and spread the good news through their actions. The idea is that outsiders looking in will see Christianity and church as attractive, compelling, and necessary and will want to join in and eventually receive salvation via Jesus. Parts of the sermon reiterated the concept that if you’re a follower of Christ, you’d experience a magnificent transformation of sorts, and your life and actions should look different. The pastor provided examples of how people in the church demonstrated said transformation.

This week was apparently a bad week for our church members. Last Tuesday, the guitarist in the music ministry was hospitalized for diverticulitis. On the same evening, another church member, who was a  refugee of the Congo and kinda adopted by many of the church families, was in a 2-car,  head-on collision that ended in the death of the passenger in the other car. Yet, another (but lesser known) church member had an intensive surgery. Finally, one of the church elders learned he came down with colon cancer. He was prayed for by the entire congregation. The pastor noted how moved he was that before he could even respond, several families were at the hospitals showing their support and offering help through out the week. Towards the end of the service, he had another church member talk about her conversion from Hinduism to Christianity, and how the nutty warmth and openness of her Christian friend and his family gave her the support, love, and affection she needed that was vacant in her procedural, mechanic, shallow Hindu family.

The believers in the room really ate it up and really responded well to the testimonies of love and support by their fellow followers.  I even saw several nods and heard several amens from my wife. Needless to say, I was really put off. 

The sermon’s underlying message was basically that people are generally cold, uncaring jerks to each other but that being a Christian makes you suddenly and magically care about people. As if Christians have a monopoly on being nice.

I genuinely don’t think I missed the point or misinterpreted on this one. Those nods and amens from the audience were of the “I get what you mean, I feel the same way” type. Everyone in the audience got the same underlying message too.

Now I don’t want to take too much away from the people who helped out because it is awesome to say the least. I think the outpouring of support is exactly what you’d expect high-profile, well connected, well known members of the church to receive. Hell, when the calls came out to make dinners for the guy in the car accident, I (the atheist) jumped on the chance. Car-accident-guy has a wife and 4 kids, and I happen to really like their family. I didn’t help because I was a Christian because I’m obviously not.  I helped because we considered their family as friends and they were in need.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU’D EXPECT FRIENDS TO DO!

I’m highly confident that those people who provided aid and support did not do so because god or Jesus or the bible told them or commanded them too, but because they cared deeply about the injured and their empathetic responses kicked in. That’s what is supposed to happen. But to turn around and imply this behavior is exclusive to true believers is disgusting.

Don’t think I didn’t notice how the random surgery thrown in there didn’t receive too much air play, much less had her name mentioned. I certainly hope she received the same support but I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t come in the same quality or quantity. Ever notice how the birthday party for the boss looks amazingly different from the birthday party for the intern?

“The Tangible Kingdom” series is about marketing, plain and simple. Sell a good life and people will be drawn to the church. Sell a community where “people actually care about you” and you’ll get butts in the seats.

All of this is grossly ironic, because every time I bitch and moan about Christians, I’m told that I mustn’t let a few bad apples distract me from the message. That the poor actions of some believers, do not reflect the value and merit of the beliefs themselves.

This brings us back to the initial argument:

The message of salvation via Jesus is intrinsically attractive, compelling, and necessary

Church attendance is decreasing

Q.E.D. Church is unappealing

Maybe the message isn’t that attractive, compelling, and necessary at all. All of that stuff the pastor mentioned during his sermon is replicable from any other tight knit group or community.

Maybe church attendance is decreasing, not only because church is unappealing, but that the message sucks too. If people can leave happy, fulfilled, empathatheic, lives without Jesus; if people can live in communities where they can be loved, accepted, and supported without Jesus, then what is there left to offer?

The afterlife, that’s what. Eternal bliss in heaven or eternal torture in hell. Or more specifically, just hell.

I really do think it’s a shame that churches don’t talk about hell more often. I mean, at the end of the day, isn’t that what this is all about? Being saved from hell? Isn’t that what the message is? That Jesus “sacrificed” himself so we’d be saved from hell?

Sure, I can see how that concept would appear attractive, compelling, and necessary. Who wants to go to hell? Who would actually elect to go to hell?

Why bother with all this “Tangible Kingdom” , living like Christi marketing stuff? Shouldn’t the threat of hell and the accompanying escape route via the Jesusground Railroad be compelling enough?

I think, on some level, good hearted people understand get that hell is a ridiculous idea.

That infinite punishment for finite “crimes” is absurd.

That good people should receive infinite punishment for lack of belief is absurd.

That Christians themselves may not even have guaranteed ticket, even with their belief and may receive infinite punishment is absurd.

That the idea of a loving, caring god creating such a foul place is absurd.

That the thought of a god sacrificing himself, to himself, to save his own children from eternal torture, from himself, in a place that he created, for the crime that 2 of their ancestors did before any of them were born, is magnificently absurd.

They may not be fully conscious of this, but genuinely believe that on some level, their humanity cries out that this is wrong. Maybe church attendance is down and church is unappealing because the message is disgusting. Maybe that’s why we have to spend 3 weeks on how Christians can live better lives; actually be good and decent people instead of pretending too and condemning others for being imperfect; and actually model those better lives to the world at large. Maybe that’s why in the 5 or so years I’ve been going to churches with my wife none of the pastors preached about hell!

I gotta hand it to the fundies who do the hell-fire and brimstone talks. They may be abrasive, but at least they’re accurate, honest, and consistent.